Reaping what you sow. When you have illnesses that clash, medications that clash, behaviours that can have unexpected outcomes, you have no idea of when you’re sowing, what your sowing or when reaping will begin. Yesterday-sterday was a day of Reaping. The sowing happened all week. But I didn’t see the harvest develop at all. I had a ‘busy’ week – I had a very intense Mental Health assessment on Tuesday, followed by volunteering (the same day) which lead to my not being able to sleep and cascading into a pothole of despair, a day of failure and travel across London on Thursday, then volunteering again on Friday, after which I fell asleep on the kitchen floor, woke up at c.3am and stayed awake until about 10am on Saturday. I woke later on Saturday with a Migraine – the Reaping. Over the week I’d noticed I could not eat, that my hair is falling out and that I really can’t poo. The poo thing is long standing. For years (nearly 8) I’ve had to self evacuate my bowels. But this is different – didn’t even get a hint. I can’t take the laxatives I have prescribed because they seem to be having a game with me where I just get diarrhoea rather than manageable soft stools that want to come out. But these signs didn’t say ‘Migraine – Saturday!’.
I’ve had Migraines since my early 20’s, I have Rizatriptan* for them – it helps a lot, but it doesn’t kill them off as it used to. Since my Mum died they have become more frequent. This was quite a doozy. Though I took the pill at about 7pm (with a mixture of painkillers, Diazepam and Propranolol – Rizatriptan’s side kicks), when I woke again at about 4 or 5 am, it hadn’t really gone. I went and had a shower (washing my hair and getting my temperature settled helps) and went back to bed and cried and ‘cut’** myself. Eventually, with the soothing voice of Liza Picard via CD, I got back to sleep. Waking at 11:30 am to grab some clothes in case my Cousins came round to garden. Later I had another nap. I’m still up (2:45am Monday) because I have an ENT appointment at 11am and I’m hoping to phone my GP and make an appointment to see them about getting a Sick/Fit Note for my ESA application – for both of these I need to get my paperwork in order.
Having appointments (Mental Health, ENT, potential GP) hanging over me is not good for my mental health or physical health. Having the stress of volunteering waiting for me does not help. First comes the Migraines, then the ‘cutting’. What next? I’ve definitely been suicidal this week, but my promises to my Mother and my religion means that this is not an option. I’d like to drink or take non-prescription drugs, but I’m really not lucky enough to risk it. I’d end up having complications and being even more dependent than I already am. I’ve taken off one of my volunteering shifts so I can really get to grips with ESA things, and have one less thing pushing down on me. I just hope I remember to tell the GP everything I need to, and also that the news from my ENT is bearable. And that he’s not too much of a jerk (he was pretty jerk-like last time). Wish me luck (as you wave me goodbye).
* I was very lucky not to be fobbed off with mere painkillers re: Migraines. My Dad suffered for years with them and Mum and I headed many a time in the early am to Marble Arch 24 hr pharmacies there to get a branded product that’s really just Ibuprofen and Caffeine, because that’s what the GP said. I got to see a Neurologist and I am thankful every time I need my (very difficult to open) Triptans that I had him. Migraines affect your whole body and should be taken far more seriously than they are, particularly in young people. Oh, a neat thing I was taught via the defunct NHS Direct during my first Migraine – blood sugar is very important. If you can, drink some juice with added sugar (a glass of orange with some extra sugar put in) before you vomit or with any painkillers you take – it really helps.
** I don’t ‘cut’ – I scratch with a needle until the skin is cut. I don’t cut with a blade because 1) I heal badly 2) I am very unlucky and likely to cut in such a way as to f*ck up my arm for good – rendering it useless 3) I want to be able to hide the marks 4) I want to be able to use the site over and over – so why do a big gesture that renders you scarred immediately, when you can take your time? I cause myself just enough pain to make me calm down – that’s why I’m doing it. It’s all about control – for me, if I had a blade, the blade would have too much influence on the outcome. With a needle, I have to make choices at every stage.