When I am in a pre-mental or physical illness state, when I know there’s something wrong, but it’s not broken yet, I open the door on a ‘fantasy’ world. The door is always there, but I don’t go through it that much. My whole life up until I was 16 was spent in there, the room or palace. But now I just keep it as a Panic Room.
My Panic Room is maintained by TV adaptions of Classic Fiction, audiobooks of the same and films. For a long time Music TV used to play a big part. I used to watch hours and hours of Music Vids. during what I consider of their ‘Golden Age’ – the late 90’s. when Missy Elliot and Hype Williams worked on amazingly overblown productions, and The Smashing Pumpkins made art vids. I didn’t care what the music was, if the videos were good and worked with it. Currently I’m living in the Land of ‘North and South’ – based on Elizabeth Gaskell’s book. I watched the BBC adaption when it was first on in 2004- the last such adaption I watched avidly. I was in my last year of university and a very different person than I am now. I’d never had a boyfriend, but I had had a stalker. Getting my ‘jollies’ from TV films was my only way. I am a Romantic Person. Though I’m not built for a heroine – never been a ‘beauty’ etc. At the time I’d not read Gaskell, but I have now, and I appreciate the book story and writing a lot more. But, as I sit here, I have the Romanced version playing on the DVD player next me. Because I need a Happy Ending at the moment.
Why? Because I am exhausted in 4 dimensions. I’ve been sick since July – coughing, upset stomach. Now I have ongoing headaches and such tiredness. Then there’s the stress – the WCA changing just punched me in the face after repeated punches in the guts from the same direction over months. I’m terrified. My Dad is sick too, with Gout but also he’s generally aging and tired. And there are other, greater family problems. I stayed in bed all day today because I couldn’t sleep with franticness last night. I’ve had to bomb myself with pills and nothing has really worked. I ate properly yesterday but am starving today. And have had to use the toilet a lot – burning ring of fire.
While I was asleep, a new WCA appointment came for me. October 28th. I just hope my Mental Health Nurse will be able to go. Or someone. I can’t go on my own.
Smashing Pumpkins ‘Stand Inside Your Love’ based on Aubrey Beardsley’s drawings for Oscar Wilde’s ‘Salome’: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nm4xv3firw&list=PLVoChhStpZg5nj0WZHr9A5xvMyM_yYG-T
Missy Elliot and Hype Williams doing randomness:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opkRF3UZSJw