Not enjoying

For the first time since University (over a decade ago) I am not enjoying an educational programme I’ve signed up for. It’s not the tutor’s fault. It’s not my fault. It’s my body’s fault. My Calligraphy course is very far away, the room is not comfortable, and after the stress of this year, my joints are not in good shape. The recent cold snap has made my elbows swell. I did a Hulk on a shirt the other day trying to get it off. Swollen, sore elbows are not conducive to Calligraphy. My right shoulder is beginning to join in the Pain Party. I had terrible trouble with my right arm and shoulder at Uni, and then at work. It’s taken a long time and much Physio for me to get the fucker to work and not cause me the kind of pain that means you can’t sleep. So while I’m learning a great deal at my course, I’m not enjoying it. I can’t do the homework, and can’t keep up with the work. I’m very glad it is not an assessed course, that there are no exams, and that it ends soon.

I don’t forget that I have stupid joints, I don’t forget pain. But I had forgotten how much it can Fuck Shit Up. Sitting on the side of the bed contemplating some Round Hand practice, I wondered why my stomach dropped and I felt dread. I had to do a mental ‘body scan’, and also a ‘mood scan’ to find out. It was because I felt exhausted and my back/shoulder felt heavy, sending a jolt of ache up to my brain as I moved. Urrrrggggh. It’s so boring, so very boring. And also it threw me back to University. I learned a great deal while there, but I fucking hated it. I could not take advantage of all the opportunities because of my shit genetics. I had to work harder than other people at base level anyway, for reasons that are not important, but when my body started to fail, this made things unbearable. Recalling those times draws tears to my eyes – 13 years later. Garrrgh.

However, there are bright things. Stupid, but bright. I have learned to roast vegetables. I’ve washed and ironed enough clothes. I found the new socks I thought I’d lost. Between us Dad and I filled a skip with crap from the house. I may have finally found the right curtain fabric for the Living Room.

I can’t do the Round Hand, I suck at the Gothic, but I have Beef Dripping and I know how to use it.

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