Strange Change

I don’t like change. Never have. But sometimes change is thrust upon me. The things I hate to change most are related to my face. I am not pretty or beautiful or usual looking. In addition to this, I have bad skin – pale with lots of scarring and dark marks*, red, brown, purple lumps. When I find a make-up I can get to stay on and cover these things, I cherish it and buy in bulk. Some of the great upsets of my life have been connected with discontinued foundation. At the moment I am struggling with a discontinued lipstick. Not as bad as a foundation, but still unsettling. Why? Well usually I don’t get upset about lipstick or eye shadow. But I am. And I realise why: my Mum.

I am currently scared of changing things from as they were when my Mum was alive. But I’ve changed a lot of stuff, but things to do with my face and hair I can’t change. I have a new coat, and shoes, and bag. New tops. But I can’t change my hair style. I really want to. My head is uncomfortable. I’m too scared to change it. I’m scared bad things will happen. Really bad things. And that’s where the lipstick comes in. I’ve been looking for a colour match for 4 months. Watching my remaining nub of waxy colour diminish. I’ve colour swatched across London. Nothing. But today I had a break through. I was very cold, very tired and a little angry. I went into a shop and tried on a colour I’d not considered at all. It didn’t look terrible. I felt relieved. I felt light and happy. I sprayed myself with a random perfume (I NEVER DO THAT) and headed out into the dark night.

I won’t buy the lipstick, it didn’t do much for me and was very expensive. But at least I know what not to buy. That is a breakthrough: I have a big pile of lipsticks I bought (over years) thinking they’d be ok and didn’t try them because I was scared to – embarrassed in the shop etc. particularly department stores. I may buy the perfume when I qualify for the necessary mortgage.

My Mum was always the one to tell me if I looked ‘okay’ (by my standards, which she understood). She checked the spots I couldn’t see on my right side, or neck, were covered. She brushed the dandruff off my shoulders. When I did things to my hair, she checked the back. She did all the Mum things. I don’t have anyone to do that now, and being half blind and having self-esteem so small you need NASA lenses to help you find it, means I’m nervous leaving the house nearly all the time. I can deal with it, but now and then it falls on me and crushes me. Not having the right lipstick, or having wonky hair, can ruin a day for me, can breed anxiety as powerful as a Pitbull. But today I felt a little glimmer of hope. Hope in a tube I had the balls NOT to buy.

*I am not a Death Eater. For some unknown reason, though I am pale skinned, I have keloid scarring and very dark patches of skin on my face. I scar a dark brown or purple. No one can tell me why. I know Keloid scarring is connected to EDS, but the colouring foxes people. They don’t address it, though I think it should be addressed – not because of vanity – but because of Lupus. Lupus is in my family. Cancer is in my family. You can see what I’m thinking re: dark patches. One day someone may look at them – I am leaving my body to medical science.



6 thoughts on “Strange Change

    • Lippy can have that effect. And the wrong one, the opposite. Also it’s a money thing. I know it sounds stupid, but every un-worn lippy is at least £4 sitting laughing at me. I get more angry about that then I do when I send unworned still tagged clothes to the charity shop. And all the little tubes of pigment are reminders of how insecure I am. Grrrr.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Every woman in the world has a collection of lipsticks that don’t suit them. It’s taken me YEARS to realise that due to my tinge of the ginge, i’m good with brown/coral tones and cannot ever wear pink because it makes me look sick. I do have a lovely red Dior lippy for when I’m dressed up, but it’s VERY red. Do i have at least 5 pink lipsticks and 5 pink blushers in a tub under my bed? YES! Will I bin them? Nope.

        You’re not alone in that one. You’ll find the right one… Just look for the right one that suits you, because what suits you will change.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Heeeey, don’t beat yourself up. Having a bunch of lipsticks means options. It’s a good thing. Don’t let make up shopping overwhelm you. Look for a new one when you feel like it. Try on the ones you have on a day when you feel good. You might have been overlooking a wee gem!


      • Thank you: it sounds stupid, but having been strapped for cash for so long before getting ESA etc. I just get flappy about things. And not having my Mum around to tell me I’m being a silly bugger about it means I flap worse. Oh, and my Dad: every package that comes to the house gets a comment – even when it’s free fabric/carpet samples, or calligraphy supplies… flap flap flap. Thank you for reminding me that lipstick is not a crime. xx

        Liked by 1 person

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