Hauntings and Haircuts

I am a few years short of 40, and I can’t make up my own mind about my haircut. Yup. I want to dye it. I want to cut it. But I’m too scared. I have a problem with the way I look – I have had since I was 7. I find it difficult to look in mirrors. My basic problem was complicated by development of acne at 11 that has not gone away. I’ve worn covering make up since then- so that’s 25 years. More many years if I had a ‘bad face day’ – a weeping cyst that no make up could cover etc. – I would not be able to leave the house. This even affected my schooling. I’ve had the same hair style for 7 years, and before that the same style for over 10 years. Once I change something and accept it, I can’t change it again: I get scared that I’ll make myself look away I can’t stand and I’ll get so badly depressed I’ll attack myself. I used to spend up to 4 hours a day picking my skin. I did a lot of damage, but it made me feel better – like I was ‘helping’ my skin, but also a relief. I had CBT to try and help this ‘habit’ – and it did. I’ve cut down massively on my destructive behaviour. But I still can’t decide on a hair cut.

In addition to the above problem, there is the problem of comments. As a teen every time I did anything with my appearance, it was commented on by my Brother or Dad. I stopped changing – hence the 10 years of the same style. Once my Brother was gone, my Dad commented. For a brief time of mania (about 3 years in my mid-late 20’s) I changed a lot, and my Dad’s comments were shushed by my Mum. But now Mum is gone I’m stuck. I’ve developed bad psoriasis on my scalp and my head hurts. I have to chop the damn stuff off and risk it, but I also need to grow the balls. I’m in the middle of a nervous phase (I have a lot of family stuff going on and my body is rebelling with pain, headaches and all sorts of problems). How to proceed? Let’s hope I grow some testicles. And that I don’t regret them.



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