The Wonderful World of Jelly Legs

I’ve got to face facts (or hips and knees and ankles) and go to my GP. I’ve been having burning pains in my knees for 10-12 days now, with the odd smattering of the same in my ankles, and worse-than-Sciatica pains in my hips (one side then the other, not together). I’ve been doing the physio, and I’ve taken some super-strong codeine that isn’t mine, but nothing has touched it. I’ve not been able to sleep because the pain has been so powerful. So, a GP visit is due. But I don’t want to go because I’ve let a situation with my GP snowball. Last year when I was applying for ESA, I asked the GP to write a letter for me to support my claim. They would not do it without my paying for it. My Dad went and agreed, the letter was written, but before they’d done it, I was given the benefit. I’ve not been back to pay for the letter. This exact situation is a perfect example of how my anxiety etc. works. Something happens (I don’t need letter), I let the situation slide because I’m so happy I don’t need the letter, and now I’m so fucking scared and embarrassed about going in the GP and dealing with the situation. I’ve had £50 in cash in my wallet for weeks, waiting for me to get my shit together and get down to the surgery to pay for the letter. But, now I can’t avoid it. 2 weeks of shuffling and I have to do something about it.

One thing I did notice, and this was because of Ren at writing, was that the pain subsided once my Menses began. It built up in the week before. The first day I was bleeding I had no pain, but now it’s back. I shall make a note of if it goes away with the Blood Wedding, or not. If it is directly connected, that is something newish, and good to know. I believe the hip pain, and suddenly inability to bear weight on my leg, is not period related. I’ve had problems with my hips since I was 2, and they are very tight. This pain and weird sensation of ‘snapping’ is new, and it makes me make random ‘AwOooouuup!!’ noises. My legs randomly ‘go’ from step to step, and my stride is completely without rhythm.

My family is still falling apart*, and I have had to push through these pains in order to help the situation – get a room ready for my Cousin to crash. In so doing I’ve found my massive stash of jewellery and also a lot of unfinished sewing projects. I’ve decided that I won’t keep the latter but will document them before they go. I’ve also given a lot of my beloved shiny accessories away to cancer research. something I thought I’d never do. But I have to. I also discovered sooo much art equipment. I have many pads. I’m going to have fun with these. I have plans for art works and I just hope that my mood stays as it is. Last week I was very low and I feel the shadow of that lowness with me still, but the weather and light are helping me feel less like I want Death as my Homeboy.

*Brother getting divorced (15 years of marriage, 3 kids, 1 mortgage), Cousin separating from parther (22 years, 2 kids, no mortgage), other Cousin Unemployed (Wife, 2 kids, lives with parents) and fighting with his parents about how much space he has in their communal living house, Uncle (60+, Married, 2 kids who live with him, 2 grandchildren who live with him, triple heart bypass, bladder cancer) with suspected Lung Cancer…


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